It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
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We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?