It is a truth universally acknowledged, that when you’re looking at your phone next to someone who’s sleeping, you will inadvertently click on a video

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Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.


Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you


As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:

“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“Have you been drinking?”

Geez. Give us a break already.


Answering: How are you?

-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return

“Not good”
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions

“That’s confidential”
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀


Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.


My cat waited until I was on the phone with a very important customer to come into the room and start SHRIEKING at a bug, because he won’t stop until I assure him he’s the bravest hunter in all the land and then bring the bug outside…


I’ve had a pot of coffee and two energy drinks and you can’t even tell, I say from the ceiling


[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought


When I push a door that clearly says pull, it serves as a harsh reminder that I’d make a terrible midwife.