10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
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I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.