A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
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me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Adultry does not sound fun at all
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.