God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
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“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready