@Asbo_Unicorn: It is better to have loved and lost than have your face ripped off by a chimpanzee
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@sageboggs: I hate self-promotional people. They're so into themselves they probably don't even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
@XplodingUnicorn: 6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders? Me: For cups. 6: But you can't drink and drive.
@david8hughes: Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle? Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn't cheap tho
@TheAlexP: Whenever I hear "let me tell you the truth", I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say "brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want."