It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
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You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
ibopfufen
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.