Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
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Wife: I told you to slow down.
Cop: License & registration, please.
Wife (opens glovebox): Divorce papers?
Me: Look underneath them.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
bit less wobbly today
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
turns out i’m a hippo
A fun dream I have is to stand in the middle of Comic-Con, yell “What’s so cool about Star Wars anyway?”, then jetpack through the ceiling.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Writes “I love you” inside.
Mails card to self.
Receives card in mail.
“Eww, why do I attract losers?”