It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
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HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Spider-cat: No One Home
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.