CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
It is estimated that 1 Million people plan to gather at Times Square to watch the ball drop while looking down at their phones.
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Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Advisor: Have you thought about an end-of-life gift?
Me: I’ll be dead, that’s a big enough gift for everyone
professor x: what is your superpower
me: dinosaur chicken nuggets
professor x: that is not a superpower
me: i thought you said superfood
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
There was a spider in my bathroom so I threw the cat at it. The spider is dead but the cat’s pretty pissed
Agent: I keep telling you, nobody is making a movie with pirates or elves right now!
Orlando Bloom: (through tears)
Are you sure?
Boss: Are you high?
Me: [trying to photocopy a dog] are you a cop?
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.