fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
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My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
We’ve all been there…
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds