it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
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It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Best table by far