It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
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I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
is this a warning or an offer?
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Happy Caturday!
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?