It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
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Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
(Electricians.)
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.