It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
You Might Also Like
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…