It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
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Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Cha-ching is my safe word
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.