@omgthatspunny

It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.

You Might Also Like

@murrman5

[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?

@CountGripsnatch

Me: I should stop drinking

Me: Why?

Me: I dunno

Me: You’re awesome when you drink

Me: Really?

Me: Yeah

Me: Thanks, me. You’re alright

@abradacabla

*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”

@meladoodle

The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had

@AintNoFamily

I can’t wait to stick my descriptive adjective all up in your noun until you verb all over my face.

@bazecraze

You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.

@TEXASVETERAN

Do you want to know how to keep a dummy intrigued?

I’ll tweet it tomorrow.

@envydatropic

The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong

@Cpin42

Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.

@heatherlou_

Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?