Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
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I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
“what that mouth do?” complain