It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.

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Me: welcome to my painting podcast

[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]

Me: it’s a mountain


Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.


Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops

Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”


Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:

Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas

Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no


I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.


[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]

Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.


Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left


[Speed dating]

Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!