@omgthatspunny
@KWalps
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
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@KWalps
@WilliamAder
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
@HuffPostComedy
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
@Book_Krazy
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
@OnlyFastEddie
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
@saltssaltgirl
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
@envydatropic
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
@copymama
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
@fro_vo
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
@StinkyGr33n
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!