[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.
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Me: I should stop drinking
Me: I dunno
Me: You’re awesome when you drink
Me: Thanks, me. You’re alright
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
I can’t wait to stick my descriptive adjective all up in your noun until you verb all over my face.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Do you want to know how to keep a dummy intrigued?
I’ll tweet it tomorrow.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?