@omgthatspunny
@murrman5
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
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@murrman5
@CountGripsnatch
Me: I should stop drinking
Me: Why?
Me: I dunno
Me: You’re awesome when you drink
Me: Really?
Me: Yeah
Me: Thanks, me. You’re alright
@abradacabla
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
@meladoodle
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
@AintNoFamily
I can’t wait to stick my descriptive adjective all up in your noun until you verb all over my face.
@bazecraze
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
@TEXASVETERAN
Do you want to know how to keep a dummy intrigued?
I’ll tweet it tomorrow.
@envydatropic
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
@Cpin42
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
@heatherlou_
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?