It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.

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[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?


Me: I should stop drinking

Me: Why?

Me: I dunno

Me: You’re awesome when you drink

Me: Really?

Me: Yeah

Me: Thanks, me. You’re alright


*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says who?”


The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had


I can’t wait to stick my descriptive adjective all up in your noun until you verb all over my face.


You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.


Do you want to know how to keep a dummy intrigued?

I’ll tweet it tomorrow.


The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong


Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.


Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?