It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.

However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.

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H: I’m going to the store.

M: Why don’t you take my truck?

[3 hrs later]

H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.

M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*


[wine and cheese]

HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?

370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks


[Friend who gave birth a week ago]

“I’m on the treadmill!”

[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]

“My tailbone still hurts”


“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”


*Bites lower lip*

“So this is an abduction then?”

Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”


If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.


Monday: Greg

Tuesday: Ian

Wednesday: Greg

Thursday: Ian

Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.


Ryan Gosling’s 37, can we all just cut the crap, & call him Ryan Goose now?


Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”