It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
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9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Watson was Holmes schooled
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.