@Contwixt

It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.

However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.

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@3sunzzz

H: I’m going to the store.

M: Why don’t you take my truck?

[3 hrs later]

H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.

M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*

@TheToddWilliams

[wine and cheese]

HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?

370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks

@SardonicTart

[Friend who gave birth a week ago]

“I’m on the treadmill!”

[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]

“My tailbone still hurts”

@meganamram

“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”

@CantWaitToNap

*Bites lower lip*

“So this is an abduction then?”

Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”

@trevso_electric

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

@dysondoc

Monday: Greg

Tuesday: Ian

Wednesday: Greg

Thursday: Ian

Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.

@deedles420

Ryan Gosling’s 37, can we all just cut the crap, & call him Ryan Goose now?

@ronnypascale

Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”