H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
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[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Ryan Gosling’s 37, can we all just cut the crap, & call him Ryan Goose now?
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”