It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
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launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.