It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
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I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it