[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
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therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
The group of water bottIes in my room when I bring in another one:
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*