@blaudiablogan

It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.

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@AbbieEvansXO

[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]

Him: hey I just saw your text

@Skoog

therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?

satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”

therapist: that’s not so bad

satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”

@TheHyyyype

Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram

@copymama

Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”

@MrSandeepP

Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

@iamspacegirl

me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-

Other people on life raft: please stop

@JenAshleyWright

Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.

@stephenjmolloy

*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*

Kid: But that means-

*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*