Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
You Might Also Like
Cat: we need a life
Cat: well Im dead and ur talkin to me so more you
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
There is a ‘you can kill them if you catch them within a minute’ rule on people who wake you up. EVERYONE knows that.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.