*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
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Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
If I get nervous for a date, I just imagine the guy in his underpants, sitting on my couch for the next 40 years, & suddenly I’m annoyed
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
After seeing my dog scoot her butt across my rug, I’ve decided I need to up my break dancing game.
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Want to watch a nerd have a melt down? Tell him that you just bought a android Ipad.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.