It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
You Might Also Like
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight