It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC

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Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?

Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.


Cat: who?
Me: what?
Cat: when?
Me: where?
Cat: how?
Cat: we need a life
Me: we
Cat: well Im dead and ur talkin to me so more you


Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.


When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.


There is a ‘you can kill them if you catch them within a minute’ rule on people who wake you up. EVERYONE knows that.

*sharpening knife*


[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]

*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*


i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.


[writing my will]

me: what is cremation

lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash

me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu


Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.


All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.