It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
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cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.