It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
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*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
thanks auntie mary
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake