@aveuaskew

It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.

I’m fine by the way.

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@ShaunRightNow

Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.

All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.

@longwall26

Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.

@kacisuewho

Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos

@BadassBarbie11

The good news is, I blocked the creepy guy. The bad news is, I’m tweeting this from inside his trunk.

@theNuzzy

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

@Sassafrantz

Do you, Charles Manson, take this woman who is clearly more insane than you to be your lawful wedded wife?

@QwertyJones3

If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.

@_salt_n_lime

My headphones died when I got to the gym so obviously I’m eating donuts now instead.

@Steelers1972

I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.