Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
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Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
The good news is, I blocked the creepy guy. The bad news is, I’m tweeting this from inside his trunk.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Do you, Charles Manson, take this woman who is clearly more insane than you to be your lawful wedded wife?
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
My headphones died when I got to the gym so obviously I’m eating donuts now instead.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.