@kimtopher22

It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.

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@adamgreattweet

how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05

how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15

@bestofnextdoor

“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”

@bonehugsnirony

[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me

@leakypod

[first day as a lawyer]

me: guiltypeoplesaywhat

defendant:

me: lol damn. i thought that would work, ur honor

judge: ….what

me: [eyes narrow]

@Donna_McCoy

Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.

But I stand by my advice.

@notalogin

With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.

@Gooooats

You have precisely two minutes to consider where your life went wrong as you watch your Hot Pocket rotate in the microwave.

@jeffswarens

After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like “feeding the hungry” and “How to thank a loving wife”

@TheCatWhisprer

Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.