It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
You Might Also Like
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what