@Matt_the_1st

It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim

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@davecribb

I have watched this 30 times already since I discovered it under two minutes ago.

@markydoodoo

There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.

@BunAndLeggings

I usually tell my toddler it’s nap time an 1hr before it’s nap time just so she thinks she’s winning at the I do one more thing game.

@Home_Halfway

INTERVIEWER: What’s your best strength?

ME: I’m very self-lubricated

INT: You mean self-motivated?

ME: *slides out of the office* Nooooooooooo

@dubiousgenius

ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…

*looks up from hospital bed*

ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…

ME: Oh.

@TweetPotato314

[chopped]

Judge 1: this is disgusting

Judge 2: the chicken is raw

Judge 3: why are there froot loops

[the rat under my hat starts biting me]

@ThugRaccoons

Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off

Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?

@TR_Wilson

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

@AbbieEvansXO

Hostage: *screaming*

Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!

Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*