@realHamOnWry

It just seems crazy that the final apocalypse could be started by a guy who says “You’re fired” every time he launches a nuke.

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@FrogAvalanche

*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.

@ROSEandDAYFIELD

My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.

@HenpeckedHal

coworker: how was your weekend?

me: sucked, I had to move

coworker: you sold your house?

me: no, my wife made me get off the couch

@KyleMcDowell86

When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe

@UnFitz

I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.

@Marlebean

Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!

*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*

“Great job, sweetie!”