@realHamOnWry: It just seems crazy that the final apocalypse could be started by a guy who says "You're fired" every time he launches a nuke.
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@NewDadNotes: Daughter: what does biography mean? Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone. [later at movie night] Wife: let’s watch Cars. Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
@Love_bug1016: In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
@dawny716: Damn girl, are you alcohol? Because I've had too much of you and I'm going to throw up.