Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
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You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”