It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.

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Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you


I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.


Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap


Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”

“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”


For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”


An app..

An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.

-Twitters new slogan


God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?

Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.


DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.


My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.


WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge

ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART