It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
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friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
B
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
I’m going to need a moment here.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early