It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
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I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting