”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
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Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
My neck, my back, my…
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”