Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop

While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.

How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now

After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.

We believe you.

ME: my mouth is all itchy

HER: were you in the attic again?

ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?

HER: I’ll speed dial poison control

You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.

Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.

Hit me in the face with a bird

[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over

still the best tweet of the year by far

40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant

I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”

me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.

Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?

I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.

My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.

OMG you guys!! I have abs

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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.

Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting

Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.

This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet

girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts

You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.

Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do

Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time

I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.

Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.

Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite