”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving backš¬
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I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence š„°
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
If sheās got matching bra and panties on you know what that meansā¦ it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
āWhat do you think youāre doing?ā
āYou ate one halfā¦ā
āYeah, so?ā
āThis is the otter half!ā
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
hello. i am the āfriendā everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I havenāt stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
I used to believe in International Women’s Dayā¦ then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
āIām down for whatever,ā I say, before falling asleep.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks donāt have arms, Gary
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Back in the day, we didnāt have google just a drunk uncle.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chopā
Me: Iām out.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself