Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.

When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.

cashier: how’d you like to pay for this

me: not at all

AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS

The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food

I plan on being Batman for Halloween.

And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.

You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.

I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.

Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.

Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.

Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…

Me: That’s all I got my man.

The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did

Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though

They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.

imagine getting destroyed like this

My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”

Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.

Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?

Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.

The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn

Me: is this dishwasher safe?

Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not

People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT

you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart

what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night

Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

[news anchor]

“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”

Me: Did-

Wife: Your blood pressure is fine

this isn’t threatening at all

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys

Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”

I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.