It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.

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god: [squinting at earth] let me borrow your binoculars

angel: first promise you won’t get mad


This guy in the elevator asked for my number so I wrote it on his arm. Apparently he meant which floor, so that was awkward.


LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.


I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.


Dear karma: perhaps we could be partners? You’re doing great work, but I’ve identified a bunch of people you’ve overlooked.


Do you know how many poisonous apples I’d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?


So you love him? Can you marry him tomorrow or do you both need a divorce first?


[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already


me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth