It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
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Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Traveler’s camo
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!