@NotthatAdamWest

It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.

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@OllyiConic

god: [squinting at earth] let me borrow your binoculars

angel: first promise you won’t get mad

@SSDated

This guy in the elevator asked for my number so I wrote it on his arm. Apparently he meant which floor, so that was awkward.

@IamEveryDayPpl

LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.

@AimeeHelene1

I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.

@SaraMansford

Dear karma: perhaps we could be partners? You’re doing great work, but I’ve identified a bunch of people you’ve overlooked.

@fred_dog

Do you know how many poisonous apples I’d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?

@LordOfFuckery

So you love him? Can you marry him tomorrow or do you both need a divorce first?

@chuuew

[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already

@KandyKoehn

me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth