@NotthatAdamWest

It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.

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@AngelaHelga

I’m saving myself for marriage.

Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.

@bigTman001

Cop: You know why I pulled you over sir?

Me: Because you suck at finding rapists, murders, molesters, thieves, and arsonists?

@neiltyson

Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.

@ArfMeasures

[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?

DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p

ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia

@stuckinaportal

*gf breaks up w/ me*

me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]

IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?

@Schmoodles

If I ever have a heart attack, I’m deleting my internet history before I call an ambulance. Better safe than sorry.

@MooseAllain

In the UK we call them lifts but in the US they call them elevators, because we’re raised differently.

@randypaint

youtube: do u wanna try youtube premium? it’s free for a month

me: no

[five minutes later]

youtube: ur not gonna believe what’s free for a month

@QuietPsycho

HR: know why you’re here?
Me: I put my tongue in the candy cutter
Union: well..unsafe..but fired?
HR: the candy cutter’s name is Trish

@Home_Halfway

GRANDPA: I built 3 of my own houses by myself

ME: I held in a yawn last night and it made my chest hurt and I was worried I was gonna die