It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
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Banana is the quietest snack
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?