Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
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At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?