It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
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An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?