It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
You Might Also Like
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone鈥檚 heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I鈥檓 a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 馃拃馃拃
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she鈥檚 napping, I鈥檓 gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They鈥檙e indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.