@TheDailySchmuck

“It meant nothing to me, babe. I swear!”

When my girl catches me in the closet eating Devil’s food cake with my bare hands.

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@behindyourback

My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.

@electrolemon

HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked

@HeyHosey

Two animated gifs walked into a bar.
Two animated gifs walked into a bar.
Two animated gifs walked into a bar.
Two animated gifs w[ESC]

@Playing_Dad

[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me I have no money everywhere

@ashmensch

*guy getting eaten by a shark*

Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.

Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.

@MrIceMachine

Mind: Does a flying dream sound good tonight?
Me: Yea!
Mind: Horrific shadow demon it is.
Me: But I thought-?
Mind: Don’t worry, it can fly.

@TwistedEmbrace

I get 9″ in bed every night. That’s how much mattress is left for me once the dogs get comfortable.

@Jesssicle

Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

@SirEviscerate

ME: Please don’t make me do this.

WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.

ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?

MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?

ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?

@KentWGraham

The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.