It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
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Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.