It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Has there ever been a more American story?