It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
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Guantanamo Bae
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.