Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
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WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.