It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

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Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!

*falls down and covers himself with leaves*

Her: We’re in a zoo!!


WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?

ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie


Date: Do you want to go upstairs?

Me: Sure.

Date: Do you have any protection?

Me: Who’s up there?


I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you


“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.


My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.


My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.