It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.

Let’s pray for her.

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9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*


[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*


I sprayed Taylor Swift’s new perfume on me then started writing a five page letter to the boy who forgot to put a straw in my bag at Arby’s.


Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence


rose: yes, i was on the titanic

guy: okay, where is this diamond

rose: first i’m gonna tell u about this boy

guy: can u just tell us where the-

rose: best sex of my life. easily.


My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.


Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.


Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”

*later at the abandoned mine*

Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”


Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant


I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”