Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
It must have been really strange for Jesus to be the only white guy in the entire Middle East.
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[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
“Science HAS gone too far,” I whisper, gazing out across the sea of boneless chickens slithering through the farmyard.
The Colonel laughs.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio so I jumped out my car and shadow boxed till the light turned green.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Saw a baby crying and gave it my electric bill cuz why should we both be sad?
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.