@EricMarten

It must have been really strange for Jesus to be the only white guy in the entire Middle East.

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@junejuly12

Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.

@Tommytoughstuff

[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.

@david8hughes

Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was

@BromanConsul

“Science HAS gone too far,” I whisper, gazing out across the sea of boneless chickens slithering through the farmyard.
The Colonel laughs.

@BBQJones28

Eye of the Tiger came on the radio so I jumped out my car and shadow boxed till the light turned green.

@fro_vo

me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”

the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this

@delusions_of

Saw a baby crying and gave it my electric bill cuz why should we both be sad?

@hellohappy_time

[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]

the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah