@Parkerlawyer

It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”

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@jackiembouvier

My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.

@WGladstone

My 6 yr old asked me if “satire” is like a “flat tire.” I told him no. People know how to handle a flat tire.

@ImJESSPlayin

Maybe, “only if you’re taking me to dinner” wasn’t the best response to, “is this going down?” to the guy on the elevator.

Flirting is hard

@TheAndrewNadeau

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.

ME: That’s beautiful.

CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.

ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.

@Tmoney68

FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.

@flashember

In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.

“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.

@Buffalojilll

[Getting murdered]

Me: oh no

Murderer: yup

Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet

Murderer: oh no

@trevorthehuman

Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.

@VisionBored1

Me: I know our time together is over. I want you to know that I’ll always treasure the memories and I don’t think anything will make me feel as amazing as you did

Husband: Could you please stop crying and talking to your empty plate. The waiter is scared and people are staring