My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
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My 6 yr old asked me if “satire” is like a “flat tire.” I told him no. People know how to handle a flat tire.
Maybe, “only if you’re taking me to dinner” wasn’t the best response to, “is this going down?” to the guy on the elevator.
Flirting is hard
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Me: oh no
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Me: I know our time together is over. I want you to know that I’ll always treasure the memories and I don’t think anything will make me feel as amazing as you did
Husband: Could you please stop crying and talking to your empty plate. The waiter is scared and people are staring