It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
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*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”