It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
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I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Found the job I’m suited for
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”