@Reverend_Scott: It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
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@heyevergreen: My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I'd be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
@ShortSleeveSuit: HER: i’m leaving you ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself? HER: i mean what else would it be
@rudy_mustang: Publisher: did you finally finish your book about what clocks measure Me: yes it’s done Publisher: it's about time Me: i know, i wrote it
@QwertyJones3: Relationship status: I'm about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can't find me on the couch.