It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
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How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea