“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
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Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Meeeee too!
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
everyone has that one prude friend
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?