moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
You Might Also Like
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Worst perfume name ever.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.