i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
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I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.