*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
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“Now we remove her blindfold and…”
*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat pickles
Day 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat pickles
Day 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
It’s times like these that you find out what people are really made of. And apparently I’m made of wine, cheetohs and anxiety.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
SHEEP: you herd me
A zombie apocalypse will be the only time you’ll hear me say ‘please don’t eat me’
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.