“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
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Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Did I do this right
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.