“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”

I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler

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Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?

4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.


9yo: *struggling for 10 mins trying to start peeling a banana* How do you get into these!?

Yo, evolution: You missed one..


-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-Say it
-I want u to say it
-Say it


What I bring to a relationship is pretty much the same stuff you can pick up at any hardware store.


This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.


*Deserted Island*

Other Survivor: We should only use our water for emergencies

Me: *waiting for my sponge dinosaurs to expand* Agreed


[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonight

DATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not


‘My train was late’ should be enough excuse to take the day off. Bosses please note.


Please, baseball fans. Enthrall me with complex details about a game where someone hits the ball with a stick and runs around in a circle.


Twitter gives me renewed faith there’s always someone more stupid.