“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
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Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Note to self: always read the final line
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
same vibe as tangled headphones
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
hmm conte-me mais
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.